This is how it is, my mind oscillating gently. The depression as the foundations on which the agitation is built. My fingers twitch and spasm, holding anything is difficult and yet the feeling comes and goes. Sometimes I can use a knife to cut my food, others I can’t even pick up a glass. The energy courses through me but on a low voltage. A constant circuit which never seems enough to power me but manages to disable and isolate me from the world.
It’s hard to explain it and its embarrassing, this endless fidget which comes in waves. It’s hard to settle and the constant need to move some part of me leads to an afternoon of alternating between activities. Reading a book, playing a game on my phone to use the twitching positively or perhaps trying to use the smooth focus of building something in Lego. By the end of the day I have several chapters finished, a good score on the cricket game and a Police helicopter built but still the circuit keeps completing.
When I started the lamotrigine I had two weeks of twitching legs (ironic for a medication primarily used for epilepsy) so it could be the recent increase in the medication but it’s happened plenty of times when I’m not on tablets.
Maybe it’s the result of a couple of very busy weeks on the road. I’ve stopped but my body hasn’t realised yet. I wish I knew the reason, so far this symptom defies classification or calibration. Long walks seem to help but riding a bike feels beyond me. I think I prefer the anxiety attacks, at least they pass relatively quickly even if they do come in clusters. They seem easier to predict and manage. The next few weeks are similarly busy so perhaps amping up the intensity will help me overload and somehow blow the fuse in the circuit.
Hardly seems like an ideal plan though.